Gone.

When my heart hurts my stomach shrinks. Its funny.

I just attempted to eat lunch but now I feel very queasy.
Relationships are not worth the pain. I end up going thru something like this each and every time, yet do I ever learn? I always think the new relationship will turn out differently but... I'm starting to think that that is impossible for me.

My Story

My eyes are burning
My heart is cold
My head is pounding
My trust betrayed
Gone are the days of love

There are only so many times you can break anything before it becomes impossible to fix and is best left for the trash collector.

But I'm still hungry.

I just came across a quote that really hit home right now:

Most human suffering comes from our desire to experience reality different than it is

How hard is it to accept reality sometimes? Currently I am having a hard time accepting the reality that is my life, but its not because I want things drastically changed. No, I want more than I am being allotted. I don't think I am being selfish; maybe other people are happy with only eating half a fish. I want the whole thing.

Friends vs Strangers

I find it interesting that I find it easier to share some of my most personal thoughts with perfect strangers rather than telling them to those who care about me..
Is it judgment or ridicule that I am fearing?
Or is it simply the fact that this way there can be no repercussions for what I share?

If you love him, this is easy

I believe this one-hundred percent and expect the same consideration in return(see below posting). The hard truth of the matter is that people do not change unless they want to change. It takes a lot of effort to change any behavior and if they truly don't wish to change it, it simply isn't going to happen.
So instead of trying to mold a person into what you think they should be either accept them as they are, or walk away. It is what is going to happen in the end anyways.

Unequivocally Me.

I loved this so much I made a place for it in my sidebar :)

Originally found here

Some people really are not the brightest..

One really has to wonder what truly is going on in this man's mind.

A Milestone

When people start posting spam comments on your blog, that means you have become someone, right??
Because today I received my first spam posting (posted on my bday post):

Hi Friends,

I Find Absolutely FREE PlayBoy & Penthoushttp:

www.Iwontpostyourlinkhere.com

If I find something else I'll inform you.

Best Regards,
Maria

It has now been deleted of course, but I was touched that Maria thought so kindly of me to inform me where to find nudie magazines on my bday. :)

Mein Geburtstag (My Birthday)

Summed up in a word or two: Great, Wonderful, One I Won't Forget..

B came to my place around 6:30ish bearing gifts. A wheel to replace the one on my bed frame that was broken during the move and an incredibly thoughtful and heartwarming gift which is currently residing on my mantle.
He said that I could do whatever my heart desired, and what it desired was to do something out of the ordinary, yet me. I knew that this was my chance to do whatever I wanted without complaint so I looked into plays and shows that were playing on this Wednesday night and, unfortunately, nothing that even I wanted to see was playing. I then got the idea of the living room theatre off of Burnside (near the pearl) in Portland. I have been wanting to go here for ages! What was what was playing there? Nada. But! Looking at their listings made me want to see something foreign and The Hollywood Theatre off Sandy was playing a couple of German films which sounded promising.
Before the film we stopped for a delicious dinner at the Laurelwood Brewery (great beers, great food, I would highly recommend this place) and before we knew it, it was time to go.
While the movie we decided upon, Jerichow, ended up being mediocre, the experience was still something I would gladly do again. I like watching foreign films because they give you a sense of the culture from the eyes of THE CULTURE, rather than the eyes of an American filmmaker showing you the culture from the way they see it. So, while the storyline was kinda.. eh.. the movie itself was great. There was only one other couple in the theatre so that made it even better, our own private screening of sorts.
Once the film concluded we made our way up to Rocky Butte to enjoy the stars and the view of the city on the cloudless night. It was beautiful.
On home we went, it was after midnight, my birthday was officially over, but it was still my night. An unforgettable one at that.

:)

Sometimes you just have to show them off...

Someone looks a little confused, and no, it was not my fault at all :)

Change?

It feels quite strange to not live in the old apartment anymore.
To drive past the exit
To be headed home and realize that this is no longer the way.
"Home" really is relative
Everything inside of the new place is the same as what was inside the old place, just arranged differently. It costs more money, is on the different side of town and is surrounded by many different people in different stages of life, but none of the components inside have changed.
I feel as if I am going to complete the transformation, I need to actually transform, not simply move all my stuff from one place to another and call it different.
But then again, was I really trying to transform?
Maybe what this experience is really trying to tell me is that where you live does not determine who you are; change is not a given.

And all of Canada celebrates with me!

Canada day? Well yes, but more importantly my birthday!
Today is the day that I turn the age that I will be for the next 10-15 years of my life. What am I talking about?? Why, 28 of course! I hold firm to the belief that if a woman tells you she is 30, more than likely, she is at least 35..
And 30! Well.. I don't even want to think about that awful day which is but two years away now...
On to happier subjects! Like:

Mmmm..
Hey, everyone deserves a cake on their birthday.. even if they don't plan on eating any of it. ;-)

Looking for a Vegan Support Group? Oh wait..

The birdie will come back, right?

There are some things that are acceptable to be selfish about. Although, at this moment, I am not thinking of any good examples of this so maybe there isn't, but one thing that I am sure of is that happiness is something that is not. Especially when it comes to other people's happiness.
I will not stand in the way of someone else's happiness, even at the cost of my own. How would I be capable of being truly happy knowing that I made someone that I love unhappy? Everything doesn't have to be about me and I am fine on my own, I have just become too accustomed to having things one way; the idea of going back to the way I was before scares me. Not to say it would be exactly as before, but I have been so happy for the past 6 months..
I'm not going to be selfish.
If something is meant to happen then it will happen, I just need to have a little faith :-(

You, looking at me, looking at you..

Antarctica? Ya, I didn't think so.

Turtles in Antarctica?

This is so me right now.

While I am sitting here attempting to work, my mind keeps wandering towards other things...
Unfortunately, 4pm is creeping towards me slower than my sister in Antarctica. Or a turtle. Or water down a drain pipe. Hmm, maybe there has been a slight success, I was just wondering about tourism and the actuality of drain pipes in Antarctica.. rather than, op no, there it is again ;)

Deschutes 21st Anniversary Celebration!

This Saturday B, K and I went to the Pearl to celebrate the birthday of one of my favorite brewery's.. Deschutes!

While it was originally advertised as a block party, they were unable to obtain a permit from the city, so indoors it went, as did the live band and $2.10 pints. When we actually got there, however, there were more people milling around on the sidewalk with their drinks than inside the bar which reminded me slightly of what it felt like to be walking around outside in Vegas (well, it was a little different being that in Vegas I had a 60 oz container filled with an icy Pina Colada.. but I digress).
Even though there were 100's of people milling about, K noticed that there was only one person on the waiting list for a table outside... so on the list we go and about 30 minutes later we are given a seat.
The beers were great, as usual, and the new Black Butte XXI was excellent. There was something about the chocolaty goodness that kept me going back for more and more.. Too much apparently since, because of it, I have learned the hard way that when K decides to challenge me to anything in the future the answer from now on is going to be a resounding no. No no no no no, and no.
Oh, and the Habenero sauce?
Best taken in limited quantities.

Why did you fall from the tree little dove?

Yesterday, while sitting at my mom's house chatting, my sister R noticed the neighbor cat out the window.
"Ah look, it's Buttons!... Wait... What is.... BUTTONS! YOU LEAVE THAT BIRD ALONE!!" she yelled as she frantically dropped everything and rushed out the door.
We quickly followed and found a little baby dove quivering by the curb on the street.
He was missing feathers by his neck and lower back, and had a pretty ugly wound that was oozing blood. I was afraid that he would bite me if I tried to pick him up, so we gingerly eased him into a box and brought the poor little guy into the house.

After I found that he was so docile, I picked him up and showed him a little love. The poor little guy was so scared, but we did what we had to do and poured hydrogen peroxide over his wounds (he started breathing very heavily as we did so, so I knew the liquid was doing its job..).
They say that after a bird is bitten by a cat that there is something in the cat's saliva that is poisonous to birds. I don't know how true this is, and when I left he was doing quite well. He could move his wings, his bleeding had mostly stopped and he was breathing normally.
Currently I am waiting for a report, but I have high hopes.
If we are unable to find the nest, or someone to take care of him, I have agreed to take on the task of nursing him back to health and eventually letting him go back into the wild.. I am such a sucker for animals, especially hurt, helpless little babies.
Isnt he so cute tho?? :D

UPDATE: The Birdie survived the night and was given to someone who has experience raising doves. Lucky little guy :)

Fairy Tales are for Children.

Who creates these fairy tales that we, as American society, simply buy into as the way things are supposed to be?
You know what I am talking about.
You meet someone, fall in love, get married, buy a house, have children and live happily ever after.
Does this ever really happen anymore?
Wouldn't the more realistic approach be more like:
You meet someone, have great times for a while and you go your separate ways. You then buy your own house and live there all by yourself otherwise you will find yourself stuck still renting at the age of 28.
Or maybe, in order to fulfill the fairy tale you have to disregard one of the initial components and settle simply for meeting someone and getting married. Love or no love.
The concept of love is outdated. As is the American Fairy tale.
Both are in desperate need of an update because in today's world its better to believe in reality versus some silly dream that will never materialize.

Maybe I should try this..

Originally found here